How Do Your Joints Sound?

 My knee sounds like I'm fighting with a bag of Doritos. Specifically my left knee, and when I climb the stairs in my house. So, there's some history to my left knee saga. Twelve years ago I trained for a half marathon, and on one fateful night running on a treadmill something happened in that joint. Pain, a popping sound...the clues suggest an ACL injury but I was too young, scared and poor to get it examined so I rehabbed it on my own. I was able to run, and complete within time, the half marathon. But since then, that left knee of mine had reminded me it was still there. Since then, I definitely gained weight and got out of shape thanks to long hours sitting in class rooms and stress eating. But a few years ago I signed up for a gym membership and personal training sessions at a local gym. It was nice to just go in and have someone tell me what to do. Except when my trainer didn't seem to think my concern about my left knee was serious. Since taking time off of work, I've been going to the gym everyday for an hour. Until two months ago, when my trainer had me increase the weight on single leg presses and left knee gave out. Pain and I couldn't walk. This time, I called a doctor's office and spoke with a P.A. who in all of 8 minutes on a telephone visit told me that doctors are terrible patients when she found out I worked in healthcare. I asked her if I had done or said something, and she said no of course not and described me as delightful in her note. She lost any speck of trust I may have had in her, and just resorted to rehabbing on my own. Except now I am much older and my body doesn't want to heal as fast as when I was in my 20s. I'm also heavier with a terrible metabolism. So, of course my left knee sounds like I'm wrestling with a bag of chips every time I bend it.

Two months off from the gym, I've headed back and am just using up my accrued personal training sessions so I can quit that gym and find something else that will work for me because after years of working with a trainer and improving my diet I still cannot fit into most of my clothes. It's like a put everything in the dryer and my wardrobe shrank by two sizes. Personal training hasn't improved my health at all, it's only caused injuries by way of my left knee, back, shoulder, wrists. I go to the gym, hoping I don't have visible underwear lines showing through my leggings, wondering why women's workout clothing is limited to crop tops and sports bras. I just want to wear baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants that don't reveal what's underneath. And I'm just barely managing to stretch while I watch young guys jump on boxes, and shiny, bouncy girls lift weights. They bend their knees with such ease, and I'm so jealous.

I follow my trainer around the gym, more like hobbling, and she's perpetually happy and I hate it. She's the kind of person who asks how you're doing and if you say ok she responds with just ok? I know this because it happens ALL the time. Yes, I'm just ok because there was yet another shooting in this country and saying I'm great is wrong but I can't respond honestly with you because it would bum out your rose colored view of the world. She makes me sit on a stool to lift weights, it's mortifying and makes me feel like I'm 80 and I should be using a cane. Just put this old, lame horse out of its misery.